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The self-esteem movement and self-affirmations
I’m sure you’ve seen and possibly read some of the countless self
help books out there. Some of these encourage us to ‘love ourselves'
or repeat ‘positive affirmations' to ourselves everyday in order
to ‘re-program' ourselves.
Does this work? And if it does work what does it say about human
beings?
If I am a bullying, vindictive sadist would it be wrong for me to
experience self reproach or even self disgust or should I just tell
myself one hundred times a day I am a good human being whilst continuing
in the same way?
Balance in all things
Feeling bad about aspects of our behaviour, be it selfishness, laziness,
intolerance or aggressiveness is valid feedback. We can judge ourselves
and feel bad about ourselves sometimes.
If I have behaved terribly then I need to feel badly about that
particular time for a while but not badly about my whole identity.
To state ‘I am worthless to the core' on the basis of one mistake
is unrealistic. Because, equally, I can find times when I have behaved
decently or done well.
The essential difference
There is a difference between telling myself:
"I am a totally worthless human being, because last week I
was rude to the in-laws, and that I will always be hopeless and
hopeless in every area."(Low-self-esteem)
and
"I behaved really badly last night with those specific people
at that specific time".
This accepts responsibility but doesn’t damn one’s whole personality
and life as worthless. (Good self-esteem).
So we can still be self-critical and have good self-esteem at the
same time. And we do this by not generalising about our mistakes
and weaknesses to include everything about ourselves.
To sum up : Belief in yourself in important, but so are the skills
that stop you having to work so hard at believing!
The Importance of Developing Skills as a Foundation for Good
Self-Esteem
So, now we come to the crux of the matter. If I tell myself that
‘everyday I am becoming more and more confident in social situations -
then I go out and feel terribly shy and embarrassed, what do you
think it is sensible for me to believe?
Should I believe what I have been endlessly repeating to myself,
or should I believe my actual everyday experience?
If, however, someone were to come along (and I hope they do) ;-)
and teach me conversational skills, relaxation techniques and thinking
skills then I can start to experience feeling more comfortable socially.
This lets me know that I am better socially and when I know I don’t
need merely to believe.
Next, Self Esteem Skills
