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When making friends, understanding how emotional needs work is essential.
Different friends usually meet different needs in your life.
- You may make a friend who is fun and exciting but who you wouldn’t necessarily tell your deepest secrets. They meet your need for stimulation.
- Another friend may be less exciting, more plodding but a wonderful listener.
- Another may be someone you can share intimacies with who makes you feel safe and secure because they are so dependable.
- Yet another may be a business partner, someone you can share goals and aspirations with, meeting your needs for goals, status, and meaning.
- And that one person who meets all or many of your needs? Hey presto, it’s your perfect friend or partner!
What makes a good friend?
People will tend to want to make friends with you if they feel
you meet some of their emotional needs. If you make them laugh
you stimulate. If you look out for them they feel safe and secure.
If you encourage them and point out their strengths you give them
a sense of control and status. If you share secrets and have private
jokes you meet their need for intimacy. Think about what you offer
people and what others offer you. Basic emotional needs will always
play a part.
Delivering difficult messages well
What about when you need to ‘have a word’ with
someone over something you’re not happy about?
A common mistake is to criticize someone as a person rather than
complain about something specific in their behavior.
What’s the difference? Well if you feel strongly about something
you want to let the offending person know about it. Fair enough.
But if people feel attacked something has gone wrong. You want
their behavior to change in the future. This is the desired outcome.
You don’t want a new best enemy!
How to ‘attack’ someone
Have you ever noticed that when giving negative feedback some
people just go onto ‘transmit?’ The recipient becomes
someone to be acted upon rather than interacted with.
Sweeping remarks about a person being ‘lazy’, stupid
etc tend not to be forgotten even after later apologies, back
tracks and claims of ‘I didn’t mean it - I was angry!’
If you attack someone’s identity as a person (rather than
something specific in their behavior) don’t be surprised
if they go on the defensive. If you have a problem with someone
about something they’ve done (or forgotten to do) you can
be firm but fair.
Make friends, keep friends
To hold onto the friends you have, keep the way open for good
future relations with this person by avoiding causing undue offence.
Once you have taken the time to make friends, you don’t
want to accidentally drive them away!
Next, use
constructive criticism to ensure you keep the friends you make!
