Research Based Relationship Advice

Home > Psychology Articles > Relationships and Communication Skills > Research Based Relationship Advice

When it comes to getting reliable relationship advice, who can you trust?

Everyone has their own opinion, usually based on bitter experience, or long-term love. So it's lucky that lots of research has been done in this area, and we're now able to offer relationship advice that's based on research rather than hearsay.



Read on for some remarkable relationship tips then click the link at the bottom to take the relationship quiz.

How to Tell If Your New Relationship Will Last

How you start discussions with your partner is absolutely vital in determining your future prospects together. It's not how much you argue, but how you argue that determines your relationship prognosis.

According to this well regarded research, how you conduct the 'startup phase' (the first two minutes) of disagreements or disputes reliably predicts your chances of being together 5 years later. Generally, the more negative emotions you display during this initial period, the more likely your relationship is to fail.

Apparently, the best predictor of a relationship that will survive is a female partner that can initiate discussion of a problem 'softly' (that is without negative emotion or criticism), and can then use humour to smooth the way as the discourse progresses.

The 'hard startups' that spell relationship disaster are:

A) Criticism rather than complaint

Attacking statements starting with 'you' are criticisms. A complaint would often start with an 'I' statement and be far less confrontational. Example: "You always spoil everything!" would be a criticism. Where as: "I really don't like it when you refuse to speak to my mother!" would be a specific complaint and not a global attack on the partner's character.

B) Defensiveness

Another major predictor of eventual relationship breakdown is over-defensiveness. If someone begins yelling as soon as their partner broaches a subject and feels overly threatened or attacked (whether or not they are being criticised or complained to) and this is a continuing and regular feature of the couple's interactions then the relationship is in crisis.

C) Contempt

Name calling, face pulling, cursing at, insulting your partner and basically behaving as if you are revolted by them can be termed 'contempt.' Again John Gottman and his researchers (1) in Seattle found that if this was a regular feature in the startup phase of a disagreement then the relationship's days were very likely to be numbered and the couple much less likely to last.

D) Withdrawal or 'stone walling

Emotionally withdrawing or stonewalling, 'closing your ears' or 'shutting off' when a partner is complaining is another huge predictor of breakdown. Whist criticising was generally more of a female trait, men used stonewalling more. The partner may withdraw during conversations by 'switching off' or ultimately spend more and more time away from the relationship as a way of 'escaping.'

Rather surprisingly, if even one of these factors (A to D) is present regularly in disputes, the outlook for the relationship is poor.

Next, Relationship Advice

Back to Relationships and Communication Skills Articles