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Men Don't Like Unconditional Love
The same team showed that a relationship is more likely to fail
if the woman shows affection to her partner when he is displaying
negative emotions towards her. The advice says that an angry response
to contempt from her partner is more likely to contribute to a healthy
long-term relationship.
Do As You're Told!
Another important factor for relationship survival is the man accepting
suggestions, recommendations and advice from his wife or partner.
Don't Get In Too Deep
Recent studies of elderly couples (a logical place to start when
looking for good relationship advice!) has shown that these couples
often don't listen very carefully to what the other is saying when
expressing negative emotion.
They also tend to ignore their own feelings about the relationship
unless they consider that something absolutely must be done. This
threshold is set much higher than in younger couples.
So the typical advice of agony aunts to 'air issues' and get 'every
thing out in the open' doesn't, after all, make for healthy long-term
relationships. Agreeing to disagree and knowing which subjects to
steer clear of is a key relationship skill.
Avoid Too Much Lovey-Dovey!
Whilst physical affection is certainly important in a relationship,
older partners in long-term relationships express less affection
towards each other, whilst reporting a greater level of relationship
satisfaction.
Change the subject
Another key factor in arguments within relationships that survive
is the habit of changing the subject once the discussion has 'run
its course'. This 'quick shift' lessens the amount of negative emotion
experienced and decreases the likelihood of later rumination. It
also conveys the message "We can argue, and still get on with
each other." Thus, the argument is contained and does not contaminate
the whole relationship.
Avoid Too Much Big Talk
It seems that younger couples are much more likely to consider their
problems as highly important and to 'dig deep' into them, seeing
their partner as at least partly responsible. Older people in successful
relationships are more likely to keep their own problems to themselves,
and if they consider them important enough to discuss will do it
in 'small talk' fashion, rather than getting too worked up about
them.
Relationship Advice Roundup
The great thing about this type of relationship advice is that it
is A) reliable and B) able to be acted upon.
To improve the long-term prospects of your relationship, check whether
any of the above factors are present in your interactions with your
partner. If they are, drive them out! Have a zero-tolerance policy
and come up with creative ways to approach things differently.
And you might want to have your partner read this article too!
Why not try our Relationship
Quiz?
Read Making Marriages Work by John Gottman, whose team carried out this relationship research.
Back to Relationships and Communication Skills Articles
